Last October 2008, I met this Mr. feeling gwapo [that’s what I call him that time]. The very first time I glance my eyes on him, I’m not attracted, instead, I was very irritated…hahaha… Ako ang kusang lumalayo dahil bwisit ako sa kanya. The first time na lumapit sya sakin, he offered a bottle of drink kasi that time nasa Nevada ako with my friends, pero tumanggi ako.Di ko na nga sya pinapansin that night and yet he’s still looking at me and trying to figure out kung panu nya ko maaproach. By the time na I was dizzy and I want to go home na, lumapit ulit sya and asked if pwede daw nya akong ihatid sa bahay, of course I refused, but my friends insisted na kung pwede ay magpahatid na lang daw kami coz they are also drunk na. so sabi ko, “okay, sige,tutal ihahatid lang naman”. para sa pag tanaw ng utang na loob dahil hinatid nya kmi, I gave my c.p. no. to him kasi nag ask sya kung pwede raw kunin. The morning, he texted me and called me, but I was cold at him kasi nga di ko naman sya type, until dumating yung time na maybe nag sawa na syang mag paramdam kasi di naman ako nag rereplay until the communication was cut.One day,my father texted me that he send me money through cebuana, kaya aq nag punta sa cebuana para i pick-up yung pera,I was shock when I saw him there at mag papadala din daw ng pera. I look at him and he look at me, maybe nag papakiramdaman, that time, while I’m glancing at him, my subconscious is telling me, “gwapo pla sya”. malay q ba anong nang yari… I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe on love at second sight. Because of that cebuana thing, the door between us opened. Nag karoon ulit ng chance na mag karoon kmi ng communication sa isat-isa. naging mag ka text at callmate kmi for a short period of time and started having a group date with my friends. Until mafall inlove ako sa kanya. What a very generous and gentle guy. And blah!!! My first impression was instanly changed. Na fall inlove ako sa kanya dahil sa mga mgagandang katangiang pinakita nya sakin. I became commited at him and soon gave myself to him na never kong inexpect coz of my first impression. After 3months of a nice flow of relationship.At his car he confessed that may baby na sya. I was shock that time, trying to figure out what’s happening, then I asked him, “uh?anu? may asawa ka?”. and he answered, “wala, wala,wala bhe… anak lng”. Because of that statement, although I was so disappointed, I felt relaxed. sabi q sa sarili ko, maybe okay lang naman siguro coz anak lang naman and syempre sobrang mahal ko sya that time. I accepted him kahit alam kong may anak sya. Our relationship still continues with the twist and turns, up and downs just like a roller coaster ride.Feb.14 2009 we went to Subic for a car auction and para maka pasyal narin,we had a very nice time together for 3 days ,ang saya saya! Sabi ko sa asarili ko, sya ata yung soulmate ko. hanggang sa nainlove ako ng todo todo sa kanya. Umabot kami ng 9 mos. But with our 7-9 mos. It did not come out good para sa amin, I started to be jealous kasi I feel something wrong… “teka may mali dito pero anu? Hndi ko alam kung ano”. By 9 mos. Hanging na ang relationship namin and di na maganda ang communication namin. Lagi na kaming nag aaway.3rd week of June, I went to Nevada para mag relax, I was shocked with what I saw, nakita ko sya dun. I was so mad, di ko alam ang sasabihin ko at gagawin ko. Nagpaka lasing ako at nag wala sa dance floor. Then when I was drunk, I go near him and dance with him, sabi nya, “wag”, sabi q, “bakit?last dance n natin to”. Sabi nya na mag usap daw kmi sa private place so pumunta kmi sa car nya at dun nag usap, then suddenly, something happened to us, and that was the last time na may nangyari samin and that was the last time na nagkita kmi. I accepted that, for the second time, I failed to find my soul mate, yes it was so painful for me but I’m willing to accept what happened and ready to move on.July 14, it was my b-day, inexpect kung pupunta sya, pero ni anino nya di nag pakita.. Ang sakit sakit nun, I cried all nght habang nag papa ka lunod sa alak,sinabi ko sa sarili ko, never na akong mag paparamdam sa kanya.Because of depression, I decided na sumama ke leah sa Asingan just to windup for a while, wala kasi kaming pasok that time. Habang naliligo kami sa ilog, I was thinking, bakit parang iba ang katawan ko the past few days and nag kacrave ako sa food. Sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na baka naman buntis ako. After 3 days of waiting, my menstruation, di parin dumating, I asked Leah to buy me a p.t. , she bought me one and I tested if I’m pregnant, The result was negative. After 5 days of vecation, we went back to Baguio. Sabi ko, iba talaga ang nararamdaman ko, that time I had a doubt with the result of the p.t. so July 23, 2009 I asked my other friend to buy a p.t. for me and I tested for the second time, it was a shocking revelation, positive. I let me self believe na baka false positive lang, kaya I reapeted the test for almost 4 times, and lahat nag positive. Natakot ako dahil almost 1 month na kaming break that time pero Mas nadrepress ako lalo at umiyak ng pinag taguan nya ako. I look for him for almost 3 weeks, pero di ko sya mahanap, I texted his brother but his brother hide him. Takot na takot ako dahil wala akong makapitan at kakampi. I let my self believe na baka hindi pa nya alam yung sitwasyun ko at baka nasa ibang bansa sya, pero nagulat ako ng malaman kong nandito lang sya sa Baguio may kasamang babae at bata. So nag taka na ako, sino kaya yun?After 3 weeks of hide and seek, at last, nagpakita sya sakin, and he revealed everything, he told me that he has a wife and he’s married, na sinabi nya sakin noon na wala syang asawa at anak lng. He’s 32 years old, na ang sabi nya sakin he’s only 26[feeling bata ang gago]. Sa mga sinabi nyang yun, muling gumuhu ang buhay ko. Lalo akong nag mukang tanga, lalo akong nag mukang kawawa. But I can’t do anything kasi wala na eh… nagawa na nya.. tapos na,buntis na ako. I blamed things to myself, “ganun na lang ba ako Katanga? At hindi ko nalamang may asawa sya?”. Maybe I was blinded by my emotions but still it’s not a good excuse. I was so alone that time, at ang tanging kakampi ko lamang ay ang aking sarili at ang batang nasa tyan ko. “anong gagawin ko?”he offered money para sa bata and that made me feel na ang baba kong babae.Because of being so depressed, I decided to abort the fetus inside me, it’s really against my will but I can’t do anything, iniisip ko nalang, maybe its better na isa nalang ang mag sacripisyu kesa sa lahat kami masaktan. I went to Cabanatuan to find an abortionist, and I aborted my baby. I cried with what I did,punong puno ng pag sisisi pero wala na eh, natanggal na. sabi ko nun, basta, no turning backs nalang. I went back to baguio holding the thought na I can have my normal life back. Sinabi ko sa lahat na wala ang bata, including the father. I started to fix my life that time, happy although at times na I’m alone I still think of what I did and started to cry. Ang mga pag kakamali ko sa buhay ay inulit ko nanaman.2 months later, I felt this tiny movement inside my tummy, oh my god! I’ts still here inside me…..!!!!!…. buhay sya… I had my ultra sound for confirmation… whalahhh!!!!!!!! Andito pa nga…and hes already 5 months. By the time na nalaman kong andito sya, I never feel depress gaya ng dati, more relax na ako. I decided not to repeat the sin that I had done, I decided to continue my pregnancy.Ewan ko pero masaya ako dahil buhay sya. I had my prenatal check up monthly. I never told the father that I’m still pregnant.tinago ko ito sa kanya dahil ayaw ko ng bumaba ang pag tingin ko sa sarili ko. After 1 month[dec.14]. I had my prenatal check up and u.t.z. and the result of the utz is not normal, the amniotic fluid of the baby is not sufficient for him. I was admitted at BMC for rehydration therapy and that’s the reason why I need to communicate with the father of my child. I don’t have money to support my hospital bills. I texted him and told everything, and asked him if he can pay my bills. And said, “okay”. My friends insisted that my family must know everything. I texted my cousin to confess my situation, and he told me that he knows everything since my 3rd month of pregnancy.kaya lang daw di nya naman ako matanung dahil ang gusto nya ako ang mag open sa kanya. My cousin wants to talk to the father of my child for planning purposes on how to tell my situation to my parents. Kinabukasan matapos kaming mag usap usap, nag pasyang umuwi na ng Agno yung pinsan ko para sabihin sa parents ko na buntis ako at kinagabihan din ng araw nay un, umakyat ng baguio yung father ko at cousin ko.I prepared myself, sabi ko,I deserved to be slap on the face. Pero pag bukas ng pinto ng kwarto ko, my father started to cry. Ganun pala ang feeling, better na saktan nalang nila ako kesa sa Makita ko silang umiiyak sa harap ko. Its my first time to see my father cry,napaka sakit. It really breaks my heart. Ang hinihintay kong sampal at sabunut na dadapo sa ulo ko? Wala. Dun ko na realize kung gaano ako kamahal ng tatay ko. Sa lahat ng nagawa ko, sa napaka laking disappointment na nagawa ko, tinanggap parin nya ako bilang anak.Tama nga yung sabi nila, kahit gaano kasama ang anak hinding hindi maitatakwil ng magulang. Kinabukasan, nag usap usap kmi nila daddy at ng aman ng anak ko, and tried to fix things up kahit parang napaka permanent na ng damage.Inako nya ang lahat kahit ang pag papa aral sa akin. Di man masyadong tanggap ng ama ako ang nangari,pilit nyang tinanggap na ganito ang kapalaran ko. Until now, I cant to talk to my mother, shes really mad at me, pero sabi ng father ko, suyuin ko lang ng suyuin,at mawawala din ang galit nya. Minsan ko lang sinabi sa kanila yung word na ‘sorry’ sa tana ng buhay ko, napaka hirap sabihin pero kailangan.Sana balang araw mapatawad din ako ng nanay ko at matanggap nya yung baby ko.Now, okay okay na ako,praying na sana, di sya na pano sa maling bagay na nagawa ko noon, sana okay lang sya dahil hindi ko mapapatad ang sarili ko pag nag ka ganun. Sa ngayon, mas okay na ako dahil alam na ng parents ko ang sitwasyon ko at kahit papa ano napapatawad ko ang ama ng anak ko.December 23,2009. yes!!! makakauwi na ko mula sa mahigit sampung araw na pag kakakulong sa ospital. My ultrasound is normal na…rehydrated na si baby ko. Sana ngayon, maalagaan ko na sya ng tama at para di na sya mag kasakit pa. Pasko na, pipilitin kong maging masaya para kay baby. Mag papasko ako sa PMA with my cousins. Buti nalang merun sila, atleast may kasama ako at di ako mag paka senti sa bahay mag isa.Binabati nya ko ng merry christmas pero pilit ko syang binabara dahil pilit ko syang tinataboy. Ayaw ko ng mag karoon pa kmi ng pag tingin sa isat isa dahil nahihirapan ako,nasasaktan ako. Gusto ko ng mag move on. Ayaw din sya ng dad ko dahil nga naman sa sitwasyon namin. Ang hirap! hirap kong paniwalain ang sarili kong di ko na sya mahal. Tama nga sila, kaya mong dayain ang ibang tao pero di mo kayang dayain ang sarili mo.December 26 1:00am. Tumatawag sya, asking if asan ako at kung pwede daw kming magkita, sabi ko naman, nasa PMA ako, sabi nya pupuntahan nya ako. Ewan ko, kahit anong pigil ko sa sarili kong wag pumayag makipag kita, I still come up with the same answer, “pupunta ako”. Nag kita kami, with his friend. May dalang food, tapos nakikipag kwentuhan. Sa totoo lang, yung nafeel ko that time, parang nag sisimula kami ulit, getting to know each other, nag liligawan. Ang tagal kong di naramdaman yung care na yun, care na may kasamang love?. Ewan ko ba kung O.a. lang ako pero ganun ang naramdaman ko. Naramdaman kong na miss nya ako, naramdaman ko yung eagerness nyang yakapin at halikan ako pero nahihiya sya. And because of that,moments flashed back. And shit! I miss those days. Narealized ko tuloy na ang tagal tagal ko ng dinadaya ang sarili ko na di ko na sya mahal well infact, Im still super duper deeply madly inlove with him. It so complicated! How could it be so wrong when it feel so right.Cant sleep, sulat sulat muna.. halla pasukan na tom. natatakot ako at baka machugi ako ng mga instructor ko, malaki na kasi tong chan ko. Panu kaya mag explain? di ko kasi alam kung pano mag simula, eh kung ipabasa ko na lang kaya sa instructor ko tong blog ko..hahaha..para walang dada-dada. Ayaw ko kasing mag stop, madedepress lang ako dito sa bahay.Sana maganda ang araw ko tom.wala sanang problema.
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